Insecurities often hold me back.
They would look straight at me, into my eyes, their gaze unwavering, curious and inviting. I could not fathom in the moment why these women would take an interest in me. I’m fat, bald, and dark. Textbook unattractive, some might say. They on the other hand were easily attractive. I’ve had many of these “come hither” stares. One being so overt and intentional it made me uncomfortable. What was up with that bodacious woman? I dont know. Extremely shy, around 20, and with her friend. She could barely form comprehensive sentences. She giggled after she caught me checking her out when she passed by. (Oops).
Over the months of travels I’ve had numerous such encounters. Okay, now I’m going to skip the point I was going to make and talk about one such moment. It was a flight to northern Thailand from Bangkok. A young lady was seated to my right, basking in the warmth of the window seat on that bright sunny afternoon. She wore a long pink dress and was modestly dressed compared to most women I saw that day. Blessed with more melanin that usual she was petit and seemed around 24. I was 29 then. When the plane hit turbulence for the first time her left hand flew over right and gripped tight as it was resting on the armrest. I wondered what happened all of a sudden, but yes, the sudden jerks in the air clearly frightened her. So, for the next 90 minutes, her hand would swing over, grab mine for an instant and hesitantly pullback, but also, hesitantly want to latch on again. It was…funny in a way. She could not make up her mind. Since she was not keen on speaking, I pulled out my ipad and hoped we could perhaps play tic-tac…she declined politely. So my overestimation of her interest in me was laid to rest. At the baggage belt she stood quite a distance away. I refused to move any closer to her. But oh man, she would not look away. My innocent self was feeling butterflies and discomfort as she stared away from across the large distance. I moved around a bit and so did her head and eyes. She was locked on. But then why would she not want to speak and interact? Anyways, I did not do anything further about any of it. She took her baggage and left and eventually so did I.
As if speaking to a friend, I regaled you with a slice of my life. But now, the real point.
The lady at the pizza parlor next to where I was staying in Vietnam took a visible interest in talking to me, figuring me out. She was congenial, welcoming, warm, and most importantly spoke good English. So there were absolutely no communication errors. I can’t remember, the third or the fourth time we spoke she asked my nationality. I simply said I’m from India and there, I saw here eyelids shrink and half blink in what was interpreted as visual discomfort to my revelation. Built up curiosity and allure quickly deflated. I might carry myself however, but my identity, my nationality, my passport, draws undue judgement. A friend once told me that I’m better off not telling the locals about my nationality. Perhaps I should lie and claim I’m from Malaysia or nearby, because the Vietnamese women are really scared of Indian men. (Wtf Kolkata?)
The local populace. The mainstream which works tirelessly, pays bills, and grinds, like anywhere else in the world, often does not have the will and luxury of time for deep contemplation. Consensus is most certainly the “reality” for them. In this context ofcourse, the Indian man is a threat to women worldwide.
Its an experience seeing the joy and warmth leave a woman’s face when she simply discovered I’m from India. Sometimes, acquaintances remain just acquaintances. Its far beyond midnight and I cannot remember other instances and exchanges. But the feeling of rejection without affecting anything or anyone is a funny one. I laugh in my mind and deal with it. But perhaps, it does hurt somehow.
On the bright side, not everyone responds this way to me nor do I remember almost every single person. But when the signalling women shrinks away from me because of my origins, that messes with my sense of identity. I cant help but feel on shaky ground.
Dating is simple right? You like someone and someone likes you. But then one liking you may suddenly avoid you because of one particular fact. I can think straight, but how am I to feel?