Being digitally connected brings all kinds of people together from all kinds of places. If you take your time exploring online groups you’ll encounter the “first” of many or a few. This slice of life was something I never expected I would write about, but how could I pass up not sharing first-hand stories from a Danish soldier, the millionaire lesbian, the woman whose country the UN wont recognize, the accent that betrayed appearances and vice versa, and much more. Here are tales of and from the gentlefolk of Discord and more whom I may never meet.
Representative images only.
1. Non-binary chaos
Big T sat quietly and typed away in our first group meeting. Not exuding any kind of visible warmth, I regarded them cautiously. As soon as their task at work was over or they left work did the extrovert jump out at us. She identified as they/ them and “non-binary” a term I didn’t understand until much later. I’ve been fairly ignorant in these “pronoun” matters and whatnot. Though born a female and looking like one, they did not identify as one. But they didn’t identify as a male either. She was not too bothered if I addressed them a “she”.
An IT support specialist, she is daughter to a construction project manager who handled billion dollar undertakings by the US government and various companies. She mentioned a time in her life when her father could buy a Mercedez for fun every weekend and not feel any close to being upper middle class. Another claim included her family personally knowing the owners of the empire state building and she having been in the presence of the man who owned it when she was a child. Just like in my own experience, Big T and her big money didn’t really solve her personal struggles and problems. ADHD was the least of her issues. Mental abuse, negligent parents, and her own bad behaviours made for a complicate journey from childhood to adulthood. Where she still struggles. I did verify her claims about this and that, and once her father checked out, I knew she was the real deal.
He was a cantankerous, conservative, emotionally stunted man. Thats how I would sum up her descriptions of him. He was a solid provider, but a failure in most other ways and unfortunately I relate to her experience. She constantly swam and drifted in an ocean of consummate depression and anxiety, her only buoy being her partner, who came from a very different background than her. A kind of background where her partner didn’t own a bed of her own most of her life, where she struggled for food and other basics of life. But thankfully, she is doing better now. Poverty in America has forever fascinated me. How the most powerful and wealthy nation on Earth still produces human experiences so deprived and destitute…
One story reminds me about her childhood friends. Who visited her large home to play in the pool ocassionally, but would not let her join them. She stood staring, hurt, confused and sad as her “friends” enjoyed her parents swimming pool!
Last I discussed, Big T was trying her best to be on good terms with her parents, especially with her father since he was still paying half her rent. She worked a regular job which she was happy with, it paid her decently. So why all the depression and mental struggles? Same ol’ same ol’…scars of the past itching and aching harder into the future, the now present.
I’ll be honest. Sometimes she would make a huge deal of what could be handled with more calm. Sometimes she would also gossip and blurt out the wrong things and that burnt some bridges for her with a mutual connection or two. Big T was indeed a certain kind of chaos thanks to her chronic ADHD. I had attained relative calm in my life and I wanted the same for her, but one day, she up and left the Discord group, simultaneously leaving me on read for months. I wondered how she was and hoped she hadn’t fulfilled her jest about driving off a cliff.
I regarded her as a big sister but her persistent depression stole her from me and now we don’t really speak. I have to tend to my self respect and ego to you know. Describing my situation to her she was the first one since my fallout with my family to assure me she would be there for me. She sounded genuine and I let her know that I dont want to trouble her with my insanity. She had enough of her own, but she insisted.
Only the internet could unite us. Quite unlikely she and I would have ever had any chance of connecting in real life otherwise.
2. Somaliland
One of the first two people I ever spoke to on this Discord server, she was eloquent and humble. She left a good impression on me about her country. Princess is the first Somaliland national I ever interacted with. Prior to speaking to her, I did not know about her country, its status, and where it even was on the map. All I heard about was Somalia and its pirates. But my concern was laid to rest by hard facts. Somaliland neighbours Somalia and is an unrecognized Muslim majority country. She had privileged relatives in the UK who described their lifestyles to her and she would yearn for the same. But knowing her passport would not be recognized by a majority of governments on the planet, she seemed stuck in Somaliland, though not unhappy about it. Her family life was fine. Nobody was at each other’s throats and things were stable. Unlike most people I met on the group, she didn’t have a devastating, crippling, backstory full of upheaval. That made for pleasant conversations exchanging culture and ideas.
3. John Xina
I’m going to call him that because thats the profile picture they used for the longest time.
“Hot-take-enthusiast”. The most fact oriented man I have ever meet and conversed with. We all imagine he gobbled up history, news, and anything to do with important facts about the world recreationally. India’s castes, ethnic groups, politics, inconspicuous and obscure government data, he had a beat on it all. The most “not-ignorant” American I ever happened to come by. I guess he really was a redblooded American as he really did speak his mind and never once minced words.
One hot take in particular I remember:
” Japan is number one in so-and-so, besides raping women which is their national sport at this point.”
Responding to that was beyond my communication skills besides feeling unusually shy about the statement.
Whenever he joined the call he would pretty much steer it. He could go on and on about history of things, but personal slices of his life were quite something.
John Xina grew up poor. Despite his young age he has probably been to all the continents at least once. I truly don’t understand how he went from having to steal bread as a 4year old to sate himself, being bullied and sexually assaulted by his seniors as an impoverished teenager to travelling the world under 25. Even if he backpacked, he’s had a ridiculous amount of travelling under his belt. I do however understand he is a most capable individual. Having braved one of the meanest and roughest neighbourhoods in the US since an early age, his street smarts and bravado are way beyond his years.
One story in particular is stands out since I was the only one he reiterated it to.
He was on the highway with his black girlfriend in the passenger’s seat. He was pulled over for no reason. He didn’t get any ticket or warning that day at all. As the officer walked up to his door he had his papers ready, but the officer wasn’t serious at all by demeanor.
The uniformed man started,” What are you doing with that nigga next to you?”
“she is my girlfriend”
The conversation involved some more African-American berating.
The jeering officer exclaimed that he as a white man should stick to white women and not this black trash.
Antagonized and infuriated beyond his own belief, John held steady and continued the conversation, his teeth briefly grinding each time he clarified details, seething under his skin.
Once again, the uniform saved a man from what I imagine would have been a very violent beating at the very least, and at worst, a few bullets to the head. Because guns are easy to come by in America, and John Xina is a stauch supporter of the 4th ammendment.
Joh was acutely anti-therapy, because one incident in his life lead to a therapist breaking client patient privilidge and getting him in legal trouble. John was part of a mental health discord server as an anti-therapist. I don’t know how that worked out for him in the long run, but last I saw him on a call was months ago.
4. Doomguy
Simply becuase of how many guns and how much ammunation he had in his apartment. Doom dropped into one of our group calls livestreaming his shooting range session. His phone was perched low on a desk on his immediate right side. We were looking up at him all dressed up in his safety gear. We didn’t see the target until a few calls later, but he had a mighty sniper rifle so loud, the microphone his phone refused to pick up the boom clearly, or at all.
He was in some kind of a bunker on a hill, looking downhill at a target in front of a tree line. We know this because he showed us one afternoon.
Once or twice we also got an apartment and weapons tour. Doom had all the access because he was freshly relieved of active duty. His occassional factual bemoaning would hint some kind of PTSD, or pre-existing mental condition, before he ever enlisted.
He had never seen active duty to have any typical PTSD.
A medium sized gun cabinet held over half a dozen rifles. .22, nato rifles, 776 rifles, and one or two snipers, with a olive green rifle being his favourite. He even had a fancy 556 magazine with a colored round counter on the bottom. I didn’t qutie know they made such things.
What dumstruck us most was his ammunation stock. He had a couple containers, these metal, military green, rectangle shaped bullet boxes. Like candy in a container at a candy store, they were all bunched up together. I cannot remember, but I hope he separated them by cartridge type, or it would be a real hassle. Cleaning gun barrels, wiping down scopes, and the live shooting would make you wary of him.
Doom was 5’6 and very calm. We never once saw him loose his shit. There were only two moods to him. Humorous pragmatic chill guy and despairingly quite 29yr old.
He didn’t have it all together. Drinking himself silly was one of his problems. But we understood why he would want to do that.
He explained, there were 3 incidents since childhood where his father made him almost kiss death. First, when he was about 10, he was thrown out of the house in a snow blizzard with only his underwear on. He nearly froze to death. Another time, his father held a twin barrel shotgun to his face for impractical reasons. His old man was a bit too rough with his boy. Doom stared down the shotgun when he was barely an adult. I suppose the old man didn’t nearly enjoy beating down a grown-ass man as much as a small boy, so the shotgun it was. The third incident evades my memory.
He vowed to shoot down the old man if he tried anything like that again now that he is nearly 30 and with militarty training.
I wish society could comprehend not giving respect to the elderly and regard them according to their actions. Forego of their preponderence due to age…
What Doom taught me is also evidence of my randomness. I asked him to teach me their military salute. But I did not expect it to be so cute. He was mad and excalimed, “we are soldiers, it is not meant to be cute!” Go look up how to do it because I cannot find the exact one he showed me, but it is similar to a gesture expressing, “my head hurts”.
5. Rio
Brazilians always only made me feel a certain way before I got acquainted with Rio. Pehaps its also because we never really did anything besides chitchat and try to support each other in difficult times. So I never felt he could scam me of something. Meeting him changed my mind about Brazilians for the better.
Rio was struggling a lot ever since he got laid off by his previous employer, or did he quit, I cannot remember. But he was definitely not happy with his last job. He was a developer of some sort. Several Indian colleagues were part of his initial stories. Apparently, the Indians in his previous company had formed an interanl group and favourered or hired only other Indians. It should not be a problem, but the folks being hired were mostly other Indians, highly incompetent ones. My friend would rant helplessly about the hiring process for certain companies like his previous one. It was mighty impressive when he applied to jobs hundred of times online before taking a short gig or two, not getting paid, and then landing his dream job in an American company working remotely. Eight months of non-stop trying got him his results. Inadvertently it gave me hope for my situation.
What made is mutually relatable was how we detested our third world motherlands. Corruption, inflation, bad jobs and poor pay, and a special desire for safety made us bond and mix well akin to glue on paper or sugar in milk.
He feels like a cool brother I loved hanging out with.
Incredibly concerned and saddened I was when his town flooded last year and his house and his parents house were completely submerged. He had to evacuate in an emergency and lost a lof of his furniture, belonging. He could only take what was necessary for his immediate survival and livelihood. It was the first time I felt empathy for someone I never really met.
Rio seemed sane for the most part. I wondered why he was in a mental health server. Each conversation ultimately led me to conclude he has massive trust issues and wholly detests institutions and their bureacracy. Receiving no aid from the government after such a natural calamity would make any tax payer distrust the institution, which is also responsible for causing floods due to excessive deforestation despite national protests and internationl codemnation.
Rio revealed a harrowing ordeal his family and he personally endured. His family and him were at home having lunch when suddenly goons broke into their kitchen armed with pistols and rifles. Nothing was demanded of them nor were they were given any explanation, they simply were abducted that afternoon. Nothing to reminisce about, he either didn’t share the details, or I was too shocked to understand and now remember. Brazil is indeed a wild place with a high morality rate due to violence. They made it out alive somehow and shifted far away from the location and perhaps thats also all that he cares to recall about.
I hope to meet my younger brother someday.
6. Janice
Though 10 years younger, Janice had lived an eventful life. We both agreed traumatic events gave us ease in having a sense of humour about the mundane. Cheerful, cute, and seemingly stable, Janice embodied easy-going warmth and friendliness. Truly one of the few converstations in my life without a single dull moment. Serendipitously knowing what and how to share came naturally to both of us in our conversation. Family trees are simple, vast or complicated. Janice…was special. Trying to remember the details hurts my head even now.
Suicide by a gun to the face, thats the story of her mother who went through untreated depression when Janice was about 4. Her father had abandoned them long ago. She was raised in a bunch of foster homes till she was 18. Her only relatives in touch were her uncle and aunt. But it got confusing to me when she mentioned she has a few step siblings, half-siblings, another aunt from the Phillipines who married her uncle. A tree diagram here would very much be appreciated.
Such positivity and chemistry, I can never forget her. Her boyfriend is a cool guy too. I spoke to him briefly and we could have had a fulfilling friendship. All three of us shared a scalding hatred for cops. They had both faced undue and unjust harassment similarly to how I had.
Conversing for about 4hrs without any pauses, neither of us seemed to get tired of the other. We had discussed about my travelling. How it might be beneficial to me. I might even find the love of my life she suggested. I’ve seen, done and experienced so much since then.
7. Akane
A normal looking Osaka girl not believing my compliments about her looks. To be fair, I am biased, so I may have found her more attractive than she actually is. Skinny, long hair, mono lid, and the same height as me. She could be a fiesty one. I do remember, the very first time we spoke on video, I somehow got her excited and dancing around in front of me her pillow swinging wildly. We spoke a couple of times and our chats were always quite animated. We talked real feelings and stupid shit all within any random 10 minutes. One of the things I could believe easily was her being a black belt. So that tall figure could really hurt people if needed.
Eye surgey, rhinoplasty, lip filling, she craves it all. She looked fine enough to me, but she experienced stiff competitiion in Japan, she claimed. They women were too gorgeous and well kept in Japan. She would resort to going under the knife like the rest at standing a chance to have the best mate possible. I counted about 4 desired surgeries, with one having concluded a while ago. A large mole sat on her left nose bridge, that was the first thing she got rid of, though it left a rather unnoticeable mark near the top of her nose.
“Japanese man is too Japanese”. Was her opinion on marriage and dating in Japan. She would much rather go work abroad and have a husband over there. I dont blame her Japan isn’t the most fun place to be as a women. Or maybe it is the most fun place to feel unsafe as a woman. Bottom line is, women dont have the best of times over there. Institutional laws and cultural norms undermine their experiences. In my own personal observation, perhaps that is why I’ve come across and seen so many half Japanese and half something else all my life. If you dont trust me you can read up about the middle-aged men and the perverted stuff they get up to, in public sometimes. Heck, Apple, fucking apple knows. They disabled the abilitiy to disable the camera shutter sounds on a Japanese iphone. Yuki, not quite sadly, was never molested. She claimed she never looked interesting enough to men and some perceive her as a badass. Must be the bravado she gets from being a black belt.
I think our most classic exchange, once again thanks to my randomness, involved us measuring our faces with measuring tape, and exchangning our most embarassing stories.
Unmistakable chemistry and yet we didn’t really end up part of each others lives. Makes me wonder what other friendships out there await me.
Yuki was as fun as a friend could be. Mostly fun and a healthy amount of ocassional boredom. Despite her being straightforward about me being cute, I didn’t handle it right, beleiving there could ben othing between us.
8. May
Ultimately a might disappointment. One which I keep shaking my head about to this day. We started out as friends. May is a struggling millenial. Both financial and personal challenges keep her awake late at night working away at her laptop. She and another one of her colleagues introduced me to the VA (virtual assistant) business. The very same thing you will read about in Tim Ferris’s 4-hour workweek. We were as entertaining to each other as one could be through a screen. However, they were facing financial hardship, partly because of a stupid decision. Feeling a bit generous, I offered her money, but she would not accept it, moments later she would be ready, but then she would change her mind again. She was fltting from yes to no. Her morals and ethics may have been at war with each other.
So, as a middle ground for all of us. I decided to hire her for a month to see if she could get me any leads or gigs. Freelance projects. She would be advertising for me several hours a day. That was the plan. It was ill conceived and ill planned in hindsight. After all, I was trying to help her more than anything. That was stupid of me, no doubt. Even if it came from a place of caring.
To my dismay, she demanded a weeklong leave to tend to a family member’s funeral, in the first week of work itself. This is where I hurt her and she let me know. It was her uncle who passed away. From my perspective and understanding, in an Indian workplace, leaves, especially longer ones, are granted when the deceased person is a more immediate family member of the concerned. Where one might have more immeditate responisibility.
She perceived me trivialising her uncles death when I mentioned we dont expect week-long leaves for someone other than your parents or siblings.
No doubt it was an uncomfortable spot to be in. The cultural difference and misunderstanding, and also potentially dealing with her week long absence. Of course, none of this bode well, so I promptly had to let her go. And ofcouse, I lost the 10k rupees too, because her money was being held in a sort of escrow. Someone was holding it for me and their terms and conditions prevented me from getting any sort of refund. Learning the hard way seems to be my preference even if unpleasant to live through.
A week or two went by post the professional arrangement ending between us. We still were friends and at least I tried to remain that way. Emotionally tough times called upon me and I sought her out because of the rapport we built, but she turned me away. Words which went something like, “I am really stressed with life and have no time right now. I think you will be fine”. My issues and struggles were known to her and despite that she didn’t so much as get on a 2 minute call with me. That had to be the sign. How could it not be? A smiley face was the only unceremonious farewell I bid her. To think you could end up so close, understand each other, and stil so casually turn the person away.
9. Jean
Really good women stay at home. Thats what I learned from Jean. No bad habits, educated, working or highly interested in working, desiring upward mobility, driven; seemingly she had it all while being friendly and approachable. A rather good influence in my life, she urged me to try out being an online English tutor myself. Plenty of procrastination ate away weeks, but I finally gave my live online tutor test and failed due to an error or two. The test involves you sticking to a particular script for teaching, but I was having difficulty with it being all rigid and scripted. My energy doesn’t flow thay way. I’m a divergent thinker, for the most part. I was constantly having to remind myself of particular steps to execute while trying to deliver a lesson.
Anyway, Jean struck me as just the right kind of woman. Supportive, kind, gentle, and loyal. Traits so great and in abundance, her average appearance would not matter. Of course, she was already taken so I conversations never veered off into flirting.
One aspect of hers caused conflict with my values. Forgiveness and moving on. She thoroughly believed you need to forgive to move on from something or someone. I absolutely do not believe and subscribe to that logic. I move on without forgiving while keeping lessons taught close to my heart.
I couldn’t continue to converse with her in the long term. I rarely can with a woman with a boyfriend.
10. Moira
My beloved Moira. Achieved and strived for nothin in life, but still provided prudent advice. I cannot wait for her to start her career and take on the world. She might become a formidable individual. Held back by a severe case of OCD, my friend goes through rough times. Some love slips out of me for her simply because she understands me so well. For every breath I’ve breathed I was blessed with the most considerate suggestions and shown recognition of pains I was not aware of. We want to meet, but she is not financially independent and for that reason alone, her parents control her movements. We cannot meet unless she stops answering to them. We’ve built enough trust and rapport to know where we stand with each other. Our values dont match so there is no chance for a stable romantic relationship. A casual or deep friendship suits us better. Before we decided not to proceed beyond a platonic friendship, she surreptitiously put me through an interview. I guess she believed I was not understanding her intention. On an ocassion or two, it was too obvious, yet, the words were not straightforward. She would do everything but be upfront.
Thats a more classic Indian woman for you. They don’t come swinging out with the bravado of a Texan.
We are fellow sufferers and thats what keeps us coming back to each other. I don’t have OCD in case you are wondering.
11. Yang
Similar to Yuki, she kept alight the fire in any conversation while also blowing wind onto it. Yang visited my then favourite place in the world, a city and directed me to an excellent cafe over there. Like Big T she came from money. I just dont know how much. Being from a different state in India put her more within reach than most of the others I mentioned. Excitement and delight took over her the very first time we spoke. And the next. Shee expressed a astrong desire to meet me in person, if only I were living down the street or at least within the same city. Woman really wanted to meet me at 2AM. Its not everyday you have such fun chats!
My friend gave me some much needed counselling in certain regards and I am much thankful to her for that. Financial abundance and stability allows her to understand and relate to me in a way only Big T could. We often go without people understanding us. Men especially need to be understood. Her old money prudence meant she got what I thought and felt in situations. Plus, there is an added comfort for folks like us knowing that the opposite party isn’t lacking financially and thus in our minds, not looking for handouts and creating awkward situations where dropping “No” becomes a matter of self-preservation.
Not tangible, but the lesson holds true. Like all good and righteous things, its a cliche. In order to keep your connections you have to put in effort. This is an issue for her personality type which doesn’t like phone calls. (What?) She prefers voice messages and texts and sometimes doesn’t follow up or reply. Thats how she lost a guy who was pursuing her. He simply blocked her for not taking enough of an initiative. It was a bit funny to see her have a bit of a tantrum and claim it hurt her ego. But it happening was and is no surprise.
Unfortunately she put me through the same hoop. I cannot wait around for somebody who cannot make the time for me. We never really met, but I hoped for a colourful friendship. Thats why I had gone shopping around the city for her, buying stationary and crafts supplies not to be found in India. She trusted me enough with her phone number, name, and home address. But alas, we could not maintain our frienship.
One interview she regaled me about cracks me up to this day. She was being interviewed for a job online. The middle-aged American man on the other end replied to her greeting with, “why do you speak English?”
All the squirrels in her head went in for a mad toss after hearing that. She explained kindly. But what she really meant to say was,” Fir? tu American hai, teko Hindi samjega kya? lode”.